Hazel: As the doctor said to me after my Hepatitis test, 'you got it, sweetheart!'

Tracy: It's a California Kong, which is two California Kings tied together with gorilla leather.

Liz: If you're ordering me an edible arrangement to say thanks, I'd prefer a meat one.

Dr. Spaceman: So, if you do have an extreme reaction, please try to get it on video for my nephew's funny website.

Jack: Your evaluation gave me pause.
Pete: Are you sure? Those look like hands to me.

Jenna: What do you know about revenge?
Kenneth: Well, the Bible says it's wrong, but it's the surprise hit of the season on ABC so I don't know!

Kenneth: Oh my, it smells like Grandma's house at Christmas. That's when we found her dead on the toilet.

Jack: From now on you write and shoot the whole season in two weeks, like Wheel of Fortune or Fox News.

Dr. Spaceman: You know they don't tell you this until after you've paid for medical school, but being a doctor is exactly like the game Operation.

Tracy: Who has the time with work, family, hobbies, listing excuses?