Jack: I just need him awake for a few minutes, can't you... inject something directly into his heart?
Dr. Spaceman: Oh, I'd like nothing better. Unfortunately, we have no way of knowing where the heart is. See, every human is different.
Jack: This isn't my first rodeo, Lemon.
Liz: Well, I've been to a rodeo too. It was a cat rodeo, in a gay guy's apartment.
Kenneth: I've had to send more money home lately. There are problems on the farm. After years of inbreeding the pigs are getting violent and the pig shield around the house has worn thin.
Jack: Kenneth, how much money do you have in your savings?
Kenneth: Well, let's see. [looks in his coffee can] Eighty thousand dollars!
Jack: If you don't include Confederate money?
Kenneth: Four thousand dollars!
Wesley: Fine, it's your loss. There's only one Wesley Snipes in the world.
Liz: You know there isn't....
Wesley: Ugh!
Liz: I am a grown woman! I have been doing things my way for a long time. I don't like my "life stuff" mixing with my "dude stuff."
Jack: A middle-aged woman saying "dude stuff," is that on my sadness scavenger hunt? Why yes it is!
Liz: Usually everyone around here makes me feel like Hitler, but today I feel like... Hitler in Germany.
Kenneth: Oh no Sir, I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord's name.
Jack: That's Republican. We count those.
Jenna: Your health insurance will remain in effect until the end... of this sentence.
Liz: What's going on today? Has everyone lost their moral compass?
Jack: You're being awfully high and mighty for someone who once claimed her husband drowned so she could get out of a gym contract.
Jack: Pete and I are having a little college night.
Liz: Oh yeah you want to see me shotgun this?
[Liz begins shoving an entire pizza into her mouth]
Jack: Oh God! She means the pizza!
Pete: She’s unhinging her jaw!