Liz: Jenna accused me of trying to destroy her because her lines didn't have any K sounds, which she thinks is the funniest sound 
Pete: Oh my God. My cousin Karl crashed his car. And now he is in a coma at the Kendall Clinic.

Tracy: I'm scared J Mo, and not just 'cause today's the day that guy that tried to kill me gets out of jail.

Jack: Meditation is a waste of time, time you could've spent reading that book he gave you on business lunches: Buffet...on Buffets.

Criss: I don't understand your relationship with Liz...
Jack: She's my subordifriend.

Dennis: Her grandfather invented the stop sign. 

Tracy: It sure is rewarding as a tv viewer when someone you're invested in shows growth.

Liz: Without Germans, you wouldn't have any of the Indiana Jones movies.

Hazel: I'm not about to screw this up Kenneth, 'cause I'd get kicked out of show business, and then how would I be famous? By starting a fire, and then rescuing everyone from it, and then I'm a hero, and then I'm in Playboy?

Liz: Dennis Duffy is like the Terminator with cheaper sunglasses.

Frank: None of the writers can go out on St. Patrick's Day because we all have faces people naturally want to punch.