Jack: [as water pours from the ceiling] The ceiling appears to be leaking.
Cooter: No, it's not. We looked into it and it's not.

Jack: Michael Kors is a friend —- we own a gay racehorse together —- and I convinced him to make wizard cloaks fashionable this winter.

Kenneth: Alcohol? This smells like Hill-people milk. I've been drinking this since I was a baby!"

Jack: I even stopped to catch a snowflake with my tongue, but apparently that's some signal in Chelsea.

Jenna: Second of all, if the president is so serious about the war on terror, why doesn't he hunt down and capture Barack Obama before he strikes again? It's time for a change, America. That's why I'm voting for Osama in 2008.

Jack: The stutter got so bad I was taken out of my grade and put in the special class, held in the boiler room. My only other classmate was named Gilly. He'd fallen though the ice as a child and was technically dead for 57 minutes. They taught us to sweep sawdust so we could find work at a mill. Of course I overcame the stutter in three languages. On to Princeton, Harvard, the top of the business world. I thought I blocked this out, but a thing like this brings back emotions.
Liz: I'm so sorry.
Jack: I feel like I'm back in that boiler room, making little piles of sawdust while Gilly plays with himself in the corner...

Liz: I'm 37, please don't make me go to Brooklyn.
Jaime: I'm 20.
Liz: Oh, boy. This just went from a senior dating a freshman to Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau.
Jaime: Are those friends of yours, or ...?

[Liz enters a room and stands behind Jack]
Jack: You've been avoiding me, Lemon.
Liz: How do you do that without turning around?
Jack: To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you, but... here we are.

[Cerie is holding the refrigerator open]
Greenzo: Here's a tip, Cerie. Decide what you want before you open the refrigerator. You just released enough hydrofluorocarbons to kill a penguin. [pulls out a picture] This penguin!
Frank: You ever take off that costume?
Greenzo: You ever take off yours? Greenzo, out.
Cerie: Did he just talk to me like I'm ugly?

Jack: I wanted to talk to you about our corporate "Bottoms-Up Day." Once a year all the senior V.P.s spend one day doing the job of one of our lowest level employees. This year I'll be a page for a day and you'll be my boss.
Kenneth: Thank you, sir!
Jack: That's how the "Bottoms-Up" program works. I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth, and I want you to ride me as hard as you can.