Jenna: Imagine what the internet would do with this. Maroney found in closet with unconscious married man and inbred virgin...again!?!?

Jenna: How do nice people dress?
Tracy: Socks on their hands, no belt, roller skates.

Jack: Is it a stupid name like Dakota or Barack?

Kenneth: Is the sky blue? Well, until tomorrow, when it will be on fire.

Pete: In the words of my father, you deserve to be disappointed, Merry Christmas. 

Jenna: Emma that was pretty good. You were trying to get me to commit suicide, right?

Criss: Happy three month anniversary, and happy two week anniversary of you going to the bathroom when I'm here.

Kenneth: I'm afraid I have bad news.
Jenna: Jenny McCarthy died? But who could have been slowly poisoning her? Was she poisoned? I have no way of knowing 'cause I'm just hearing about it.

Liz: Why did you have to offend the gay community? It is the most organized of all the communities. They make the Japanese look like the Greeks.

Tracy: Remember when I offended stubborn people? That took forever to sort out.