Jenna: Imagine what the internet would do with this. Maroney found in closet with unconscious married man and inbred virgin...again!?!?
Jenna: How do nice people dress?
Tracy: Socks on their hands, no belt, roller skates.
Jack: Is it a stupid name like Dakota or Barack?
Kenneth: Is the sky blue? Well, until tomorrow, when it will be on fire.
Pete: In the words of my father, you deserve to be disappointed, Merry Christmas. 
Jenna: Emma that was pretty good. You were trying to get me to commit suicide, right?
Criss: Happy three month anniversary, and happy two week anniversary of you going to the bathroom when I'm here.
Kenneth: I'm afraid I have bad news.
Jenna: Jenny McCarthy died? But who could have been slowly poisoning her? Was she poisoned? I have no way of knowing 'cause I'm just hearing about it.
Liz: Why did you have to offend the gay community? It is the most organized of all the communities. They make the Japanese look like the Greeks.
Tracy: Remember when I offended stubborn people? That took forever to sort out.